Shut Up, You Crazy Bitch
She was following me–around the tiny island in the middle of Lake Bled, a picture perfect spot in northern Slovenia, close to the Austrian border.
“I design all my own clothes,” She said, stopping to pose and point to her bell bottom capris and baggy blue blazer with mismatched buttons. When she turned to give me a rear view, I scurried along. She followed.
“I like Ellen DeGeneres. Do you like Ellen DeGeneres? I thought about marrying her, but decided she was too skinny.”
Lake Bled, Slovenia
She–a dark, petite Spaniard with a spiky crew cut, was a renegade, a potential stalker, a latcher–you know, a person who latches on to others and is impossible to shake loose. She wasn’t part of my Eat-Write-Travel group, but somehow boarded the boat with us out to the island. At first, I had assumed She was with the nice Israeli couple that shared our means of transportation, but as soon as She announced, “I’m a psychic surgeon,” I knew that She was traveling solo.
“I came here to study with Stefan, the most famous psychic surgeon in the world,” She said, the minute the boat pulled out into the calm emerald green water. “He has a pink aura. Everything he touches turns pink.” She held up her pink bracelet-covered wrist, then pulled out a pink key chain with a picture of Stefan on it, his head surrounded with blinking magenta lights.
Braised Octopus: our meal before the encounter.
We were in a Pletna boat, a wooden, flat-bottom boat with a pointed bow and wide stern with a colorful awning. Found only on Lake Bled, these boats are rowed by a single man–a double-oared gondolier of sorts, who most likely inherited his respected profession from his father, following a centuries-old tradition.
We were dropped off on a patch of land, dense with trees. Normally, it would have been a place of tranquility and reflection. We climbed 99 steps to the threshold of the island’s small Gothic church–its stone façade famed by lush mountains and distant snow covered peaks.
Pletna Boat
Suddenly, there was silence. I turned and She was gone. Miriam, our hostess and guide, seized the moment. “The church of the Assumption was built in 1465. It’s famous for its 52 meter high free standing bell tower.”
“I like ice cream. Do you like ice cream?” She said, popping up like a deranged jack-in-the-box, a store bought ice cream bar in her hand. “ I like chocolate…and coconut… and…”
“It’s said that anyone who rings the bell three times and believes in God, his or her wish will come true,” Miriam continued, turning her back to the voice.
“…and strawberry, and…”
Church of the Assumption, Lake Bled
We went inside. Surrounded by fragments of frescoes depicting the life of the Virgin Mary, one by one we rang the bell by forcefully pulling on a long rope while thinking on our wish—most likely sharing the same one: that the crazy bitch would shut up.
She was suddenly behind us, grabbing the rope. When She pulled it with all her force, her small body lifted into the air and she was flying. “Take my picture! Take my picture!” She cried, laughing like…well, the Joker when he thought he had finally foiled Batman. With her feet firmly planted once again on the ground She grinned and said, “I can cure cancer. Do you have cancer? “
We exited the church, a voice trailing behind us.
“I can also cure diabetes, get rid of tumors and blindness. I can make people see again…”
Nettle Ravioli cooking class with Miriam
We got back on the boat and admired the mountains around us. “That was Tito’s summer home,” Miriam said, pointing to a large stone villa with a veranda that extended to the shore of the lake. “Tito came here in…”
“I’m a chef. I’m going to have my own TV show. I like to cook. Do you like to cook?”
“I like to swim,” Miriam said, the corners of her mouth turning upward into a mischievous smile. “Do you like to swim?” she added, with a twinkle in her eye.
Tags: Church of the Assumption, island in Lake Bled, Lake Bled, pletna boats, Slovenia, traveling in Slovenia
